What did I learn from the book, Love Lives Here: A Story of Thriving in a Transgender Family?

Rule #1: No pencil markings in the books

I don’t like to make pencil markings in my books.

I have been that way since I was a young child, I always found that it ruins the novelty… I say this, but I am also the person that folds down the corners of her books to mark where she is when there are thousands of bookmarks lying around the house. The ins and outs of the brain of a bookworm are complex to understand, and not worth the effort of trying.

Don’t worry… my digression is getting somewhere.

The novel Love Lives Here: A Story of Thriving in a Transgender Family by Amanda Jetté Knox is the first book I felt that pencil marks were needed; whether it was for when someone borrows it from me or when the book goes missing and ends up in someone else’s home. My notes were important, my notes were a part of my own learning, processes and insights.

Let me hash out the details of this book so you have a better understanding of why I broke my only bookworm rule.

This is more than just a fictional novel that takes you on the journey of a fictional character. This a story of a real person, a real family and the real transgender community. It holds value on the “must-read” of any reader’s bookshelf.

Knox’s story is an inter-generational count of a mother who internalizes her own personal struggles, stresses and anxieties of judgement, perceptions, assumptions and the need to belong. Battles that many of us encounter, especially in the society that we were born and raised in; however, Knox’s experiences take to a different level. Knox’s personal histories demonstrate her reactions to life’s situations; however, when her child comes out as transgender, these internalized struggles become a reality, a reality that she is set out to change. Her daughter is young and faced battles and challenges that not many can understand, putting Knox in a situation where she had to enforce power on her own internal struggles and worries, to become the parent that she always was, the parent that puts her child’s needs first. Whether it was discussing puberty blockers, pronouns, names or therapy; Knox hashes out the details with full transparency.

Transparency that doesn’t change when her spouse comes out as transgender not too long after the changes with their daughter.

This is huge.

When I got to this point in the novel, my heart went out to this woman. I was in tears; however, they were not tears of sadness, but tears of pure admiration. Here was a woman who was trying her best to understand her daughter, spending late nights doing research, making phone calls and participating in heartfelt discussions, while sharing her own personal struggles with the situation at hand. She has now found out that her spouse is going to go through the same transitions, but a bit more complex, because of the life that they had lived up to that point. Spending forty-something years telling everyone they were one gender and living as that gender when in reality they were having this internal struggle because they identified as female.

I didn’t stop reading, I didn’t take a break. I had my glass of wine and I was ready to spend the rest of the night finding out what happened. Between her thinking, she was going to leave her spouse because it was too much to handle at that time; to realizing that the transition was just as beautiful, and falling that much more in love; building a family that is thriving, supportive and loving.

Knox’s transparency throughout her whole book allows readers to understand not only the level of discussions, hardships, research and communications involved in being a supporter in a transitioning process; but also that it is okay to struggle, but we have to remember we are not the only one struggling.

My sibling is non-binary, someone who does not identify as male or female, usually using the pronouns “they” or “them”. They are in the process of transitioning. I knew this person for 23 years as one gender, and I spent a lot of time trying to understand what they needed and still need from me in their transition. I spent time watching documentaries, reading articles, supporting their transition and purchasing Amanda Jetté Knox’s book.

Do I understand everything they are going through? No, I am not in the same shoes. Do I know that it is important to support them, listen to them and advocate for them? Yes.

Did I sound like a babbling animal as I lost my words because I almost said the wrong pronoun, but changed it and corrected myself? Yes. But using the right pronouns and name is by far more important to me than what others might think about my stutter.

So, what did I learn from this novel?

I learned more than I could write in this blog post. I could probably write a whole other book just praising how important the content is.

The most important thing I learned and will carry with me forever is that there are always going to be people who disagree, who have their opinions and who defend the thoughts of the past and bring them into the present. The present generation of change and acceptance… well we hope. These are not the people that we need in our life. These are not the people that we or our loved ones who are transitioning need in their lives.

The important thing is that we understand to the best of our abilities.

The important thing is that we advocate for their human rights.

The important thing is that we are loving, supportive, accepting and are there for them.

We might not understand their battles, but we can still have their backs.

And

Acceptance is not an option, but a basic human right.